Hey everyone. Just wanted to wish you all a happy new year, as well as vent a bit. Just a warning, this is going to be a bit heavy, so if you're not interested in reading it, then just know that I'm going to try to work on more artwork soon and actually finish some pieces. My main New Year's resolution is to finish my first book, considering how far along it is--not necessarily publishing it, because I don't know how long it will take and how many hoops I'll need to jump through to do that, but we'll see.
So... I suppose I just want to get this off my chest a bit. These last few months have been especially rough for me. I've been experiencing a lot more anxiety that just keeps building and building until it boils over to episodes of depression. I can't remember exactly when, since days have been blurring together a bit, but it started getting significantly worse sometime within the last couple months after my cousin announced that she was having a baby. Overall, not a scary thing to most people, but I remember entering a full panic when I heard the news and running upstairs to hide in my room until I could breathe again. I've been much more on edge since then, and so I bought a journal to sort out my thoughts as best as I could and try to fight back this anxiety. Well... I have been sorting out my thoughts, but it led me to a full-on break down on Wednesday, when I was supposed to be on vacation. I'm scared, and I know I shouldn't be. My cousin's announcement just set off something in my head that had already been brewing for a long, long time, and I wasn't ready.
In short, I think I've boiled it down to: I'm scared in my own body. I'm terrified of the idea of being pregnant (as silly as that may seem to some people) and no matter what I do, it's going to happen because my body was built to have it happen. So, I never feel safe, no matter where I am. I'm scared of other things too... but this is the one thing that is getting close to crippling me every day.
I've already made an appointment with a therapist, because it's high time I got some help. I hope it works at least a little bit, because everywhere else I've tried has turned me away because of my insurance, and I don't know how many other people are in my area who can help me deal with this. I don't want to be scared in my own skin, and as long as I am, I can't address these issues from a logical frame of mind.
Anyway... yeah... that's where I'm at right now. I'm hoping to get better in 2017 because I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to spend more time enjoying my job, my art, my writing, and PvPing in WoW as my frost DK (
), not being scared. Thanks to anyone out there who read my crazy ramblings tonight.